Satirical Headlines Unlikely to Appear in The Onion

Irish Import Nonwhites to Atone for Their History of Being Persecuted by Brits and Africans

Gentrifier Makes Sure to Buy Iron Window Bars from Corporation Committed to Diversity

Nonwhites Demanding Rule Over Whites Call Whites Wanting to Be Left Alone "Supremacists"

"I'm Tired of People Judgin' Me by My Skin Color," Says Man with 78 IQ and Long History of Crimes

Hate Crimes Up 201 percent According to Organization with No History of Rigging Research Whatsoever

If a Muslim Had Committed Toronto Van Attack, There Would Be Wall to Wall Media Coverage Say Muslims Who Committed Thousands of Unreported Jihad Acts

Germany Successfully Assimilates Millions of Africans and Southwest Asians Onto Welfare

Diverse Team of Scientists Impresses Everyone by Calling Themselves a Diverse Team of Scientists

Seventy-Two Virgin Goats with Anal Seepage Await Latest Suicide Bomber

Aggressive Descendants of Genocide Practicing Migrants from Cameroon Say Whites Have No Right to Live in Zimbabwe and South Africa

"There Is No Gay Agenda," Remarks Activist Professor of LBGTQ Studies

U2's Bono Applies for Handicapped License Plate, Declaring Himself Cognitive Dissonance Impaired

School Desegregation Plan Praised for Wrecking the Lives of 4,991 Local Working Class White Children While Improving the Education of Six African-Americans

Writer Obsessed with Russian Influence Calls Millions of Harmful Influences by Israel, Turkey, Mexico, and Saudi Arabia "Conspiracy Theories"

Humorist Made Famous for Making Faces in Front of Millions of TV Viewers Should Be Trusted for His Policy Expertise

White Man Divorced from Two Asian Wives Plans to Marry Another Because "Asian Women Are More Affectionate and Family Oriented"

George HW Bush Visits Pearly Gates, Becomes First Man Sent to Hell for the Acts of His Sons

Teenager Contemplates Whether to Continue Living in a Society Where Millions Casually Use the Word Maroon Without Being Aware She Considers It a Slur

Alzheimer's Victim Chuck Woolery Spends Final Years of Life Giving Progressives a Straw Person to Attack

Black Converts to Judaism Feel Discriminated Against by Jews Worried About Intermarriage: "We Ain't Gonna Marry None Them We Inseminate Anyway, at Least Not for Long."

Local Hitler Supporter Does Not Believe DNA Tests Suggesting Hitler Was Part Jewish or Berber: "How Could Der Fuhrer Be Part Carpet?"

Stoning Victim Requested Rock You Like a Hurricane for Final Song

The American Eugenics Society Proves the Evil of Eugenics Claims Scholar Surrounded by Billions of Dysgenic Victims

Catalonia's Secession Plan Postpones Date of White Genocide by One Day

Democrats, Progressives, and Republicans Responsible for Genocultural Totalitarianism Strategy Demand Republicans Apologize for Southern Strategy

Area Teachers Boycott Teaching Tenth Amendment Because Judges Ignore It Anyway

Multicultural White Flighter Says She Is Leaving Neighborhood for No Reason She Can Discern

Brexiter Happy to Be Ruled by Anti-White Tyranny in London Rather Than Anti-White Tyranny in Far Away Brussels

Adopted White Twin Reared Apart Envies Twin Sister with Hispanic Last Name and Cushy Affirmative Action Job

Museum of Lynching Reports That Whites Are Incapable of Being Lynching Victims

Globalist Multiculturalist Finally Admits His Ideology: "Fuck It. Everything Is Permissible for Me, Except Opposition to Diversity."

"Everywhere West of Manhattan Is Inhabited by Inbred Mouth Breathers" Reports Endogamy Practicing Wall Street Supporter of Randism and Genocultural Totalitarianism

Multiculturalist Who Never Read a Counter Argument to His Views Unsure Whether an Immigration Patriot Is Someone Who Opposes or Supports Mass Immigration

Philosophy Text Replaces Truth Value with Offended Value

"White Privilege Must Be Fought Everywhere," Reports Millionaire from Ethnoracial Group Off Limits to Mass Media Criticism and Higher Than White Median Incomes

Supporters of Globalism and Militarism Decry the Alleged Nationalism of Leaders Devoted to Globalism and Militarism in China, Russia, and NATO

Devil Plans to Kick John McCain Out of Hell for Having Sins Too Heinous for the Devil to Tolerate

Man with Gold Plated Bathroom Fixtures Whines About the Alleged Whining Everyone Else Does

Dog Is God Spelled Backward Says Supporter of Interspecies Multiculturalism

Man Claiming to be Universalist Admits He Says That Only to Fool Others and Serve His Short-Term Self-Interest

Sheep Reports Halal Meat a Pain in the Neck

Defense Industry Profits Win War on Terror and War on Their Own Poverty in Twilight Doubleheader

Multiculturalism Fails 171,582 Times in a Row, Only Common Sense to Keep Trying It

Job Interview with Last White Person on Earth Turns Awkward When She Reveals No Person of Color Will Give Her a Reference